When diplomacy tries to put out a fire with a glass of water
Imagine the European Union, China and Russia trying to mediate the conflict between Iran and the United States like that friend who arrives late to the party and finds the couch on fire. “Guys, let’s use nice words instead of bombs!” says Brussels while António Costa, president of the European Council, tweets his “deep alarm” as if it were an Instagram drama. Spoiler: no one likes it.
The US bombing of three Iranian nuclear facilities this Saturday turned the already tense game of geopolitical chess into a game of Jenga with dynamite. “Too many civilians will pay the price,” Costa warned, in an attempt to sound more convincing than an influencer promoting detox. Meanwhile, Kaja Kallas, the head of European diplomacy, repeats like a mantra: “Let’s negotiate, because war does not combine with our values (nor with our GDP).”
The E3 and its plan B: “Just in case, we have cookies for the negotiation”
Germany, France and the United Kingdom—the trio that has been playing Guess Who? with Tehran since 2003—urged Iran not to “do any more crazy things.” Friedrich Merz, German chancellor, gathered his security cabinet as if it were a WhatsApp group of panicked parents: “Someone call Washington!” Meanwhile, Jean-Noël Barrot, the French minister, clarified on X (formerly Twitter): “We have nothing to do with this bombing, eh.” #NotMyWar.
In London, Keir Starmer uttered the phrase of the year: “Iran cannot have nuclear weapons.” Thank you, Captain Obvious. The curious thing is that no one mentions that the Non-Proliferation Treaty now seems like a rental contract broken by all the tenants.
Russia and China: the “friends” who always bring gasoline to the fire
Moscow, in its role as devil’s advocate with the UN seal, called the attack a “violation of international law.” Ironic, coming from someone who invaded Ukraine. China, for its part, condemned the United States with the same energy with which it manufactures iPhones: quickly and without blinking. “Blame Israel!” Türkiye chanted between sips of tea, because Erdogan knows that in this chaos, he who does not cry does not suck.
The moral of this geopolitical reality show: everyone asks for diplomacy, but no one lets go of the red button. And meanwhile, civilians in the Middle East look at the sky wondering if the next drone will carry bombs or a “peace and love” tweet.
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