Because It’s Never Too Late for a Plan… When the Problem is Already
In a turn of events that no one, absolutely no one, could have foreseen (except, perhaps, all the inhabitants of Cajeme), President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo has announced with great fanfare that the federal Security Cabinet has deigned to notice that homicides have increased in that municipality of Sonora. The solution, as is tradition in these parts: a special plan. Because what better way to combat violence than with a good dose of bureaucracy and morning meetings?
The president, in a display of transparency that will surely move us all, explained that the press conference started a little late. The reason? An emergency session with the governor of Sonora, Alfonso Durazo, and the mayor of Cajeme, Javier Lamarque. Picture the scene: the country’s brightest minds, coming together, realizing that… oh, surprise… murders have “gone up a little bit.” A euphemism so delicious it almost tastes like frosting. A “little bit” of violence, like a “little bit” of salt in food, but with corpses.
Excellent Job and Other Charming Euphemisms
Sheinbaum, in his characteristic narrative, did not miss the opportunity to praise the “excellent work” of state and municipal authorities. Of course, it is such excellent work that it has merited the urgent creation of a federal plan to stem the bleeding. It’s like congratulating the captain of the Titanic for his impeccable handling of the first-class deck as the bow sinks into the Atlantic.
The jewel in the crown in this speech was the president’s slip of the tongue: “we are making a special plan to control… not control, but help reduce crimes.” Ah, what a relief! For a moment we thought they wanted to “control” the homicides, which sounds so authoritarian. Better to “help reduce them,” a phrase that evokes the image of the federal government handing out flyers to criminals with the plea: “Wouldn’t you kill a little less, please? We ask you nicely.”
One cannot help but wonder, with purely academic curiosity, what will this famous plan consist of? Will it be a commission to study the commission that supervises the violence analysis subcommittee? Maybe a virtual seminar on the benefits of not shooting neighbors? Or perhaps, and this is just wildly unnecessary speculation, the strategy is to send positive thoughts and good vibes to Cajeme. After all, innovation in security policies has no limits.
The real rhetorical question that hangs in the air, heavier than gunpowder smoke, is: what the hell has been happening for the situation to escalate to the point of needing a high-level meeting to, mind you, “help reduce” crimes? But shhh, let’s not ask awkward questions. Let us instead admire the speed of the government’s reaction, acting just after the problem has become undeniable. Pure efficiency.
In an ideal world, news that the security cabinet is meeting to stem a wave of violence would be… well, the norm. But here, in the glorious national reality, it is material for a tragicomedy. It’s the government equivalent of putting a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound while saying, “Wow, this looks like it hurts.”
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The federal government is “readying” its heavy artillery of plans and support. Meanwhile, in Cajeme, life, or the loss of it, continues. Because the state machinery advances, slowly but surely, always in time to arrive… right after the catastrophe.
Isn’t it wonderful to know that our taxes work hard to generate strategies that arise as a reaction and not as prevention? The next time a homicide “goes up a little,” you know: patience. The special plan is on the way. Eventually.
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