When politics is resolved with fire (literally)
Because nothing says “solidarity with Palestine” like setting fire to a group of grandparents in a shopping center. The ever-so-diplomatic US authorities have identified the mastermind behind this attack in Boulder, Colorado: Mohamed Sabry Soliman, a 45-year-old Egyptian citizen who apparently mistook a pro-Israel event for a barbecue. His weapon of choice: a homemade flamethrower, because why use a conventional weapon when you can look like a Mad Max villain?
The FBI discovers that shouting slogans does not justify arresting people
According to the FBI, Soliman not only played with fire, but also shouted “Free Palestine!” during his pyrotechnic performance. Because of course, nothing liberates an oppressed people more than burning American retirees. Special Agent Mark Michalek, in a display of obviousness, declared: “This is an act of deliberate violence.” Thanks, Sherlock. The wounded, by the way, are between 67 and 88 years old, because what better way to demonstrate your bravery than to attack people who probably use a cane.
But here’s the best part: Soliman had applied for asylum in the United States and was denied a visa in 2005. However, like a bad bureaucratic comedy, he managed to enter in 2022 with a non-immigrant visa that expired… and lo and behold, he stayed. Worse still, the Biden administration (according to unconfirmed sources) gave him a work permit. Because what could go wrong when regularizing someone whose hobby is making flamethrowers?
Stephen Miller, Trump’s former advisor, wasted no time in pointing the finger: “Biden gave a job to an arsonist!” And then he dropped the gem of “suicidal migration must be reversed.” Because, obviously, the problem is not the guy with the flamethrower, but that he entered the country. Priorities, people.
The attack: when the protest turns into a nightmare
On Sunday, as the group Run For Their Lives called for the release of Israeli hostages, Soliman appeared with bottles of clear liquid. Spoiler: it wasn’t mineral water. Witnesses described how a woman had to roll on the ground to put out the flames on her dress. The last straw? The attacker was also injured, because even clumsy terrorists exist.
The Governor of Colorado, Jared Polis, described the event as an “act of hate.” Meanwhile, Hakeem Jeffries, Democratic leader, called him “anti-Semitic“. Because in America, if you want your crime to have political relevance, just add an “-ism” to the end.
This attack occurs two weeks after the murder of two employees of the Israeli embassy in Washington. Apparently the new trend in activism is shooting or setting fire to random people. Progress?
What’s next? The authorities will file charges against Soliman, although they have not yet decided if it will be for terrorism or for having the worst life plan in history. Meanwhile, the FBI is still investigating…and probably checking how the hell someone with a flamethrower went unnoticed.
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